THE PANGBOURNE OBSCENITY                                        (Whitchurch, 03 May 2009)
Lance Jones falls tantalisingly short of milestone on debut
At first the train doesn’t move. It just stands there. Then the hum of the diesel engine grows louder. As does the tap, tap, tap of Lance Jones’ index finger on the door-open button. Slowly the train begins to inch along the platform. So does Lance. The train gathers pace. So does Lance. The train pulls out of the station. So do we. Lance does not. He is left on the platform with a blank look on his face. A 12” sub hangs limp from his right hand.  Full report here
 

BAD MATTRESS, NO SLEEP
Mattress applies the kiss of death in the snore fest at Old Tenisonians
To ensure a steady start I paired Hoar with Mattress's mate Mike Billing, who Mattress described earlier in the week as quite handy. Handy he may well be, but the exact field of endeavour in which his handiness manifests itself and how it might assist his cricket was never made fully apparent after his dismissal in the fifth over for a duck. My nap was put on hold and I was left pondering the wisdom of trusting Matt's judgment as his other mate, Plugga, knocked the first ball he faced....  Full report here
 

TRANSPORT CHARGE SAVES GENERAL MONK   
Tranny's big Wellington occasion
In years gone by this fixture has proved something of an awe inducing experience for the younger colonial Nepos. A visit to a major English seat of learning set amidst a raft of test quality cricket pitches, Olympic sized astro turfs and Wimbledonesque grass tennis courts has prompted more than one backpacking Aussie to ask the question “With all these sporting facilities in your schools, why are you Poms still sh*t at sport?  Full report here
 

SWEET MELON SOURS VICTORY
Sinjuns Grammarians educated
Bitter infighting has broken out following a dispute over a slice of honeydew melon. The conflict is threatening to divide the club and overshadow a magnificent maiden ton from Michael Walker.   Full report here

FUNKY NEPO OF THE YEAR 2006
Sympathy vote triumphs at AGM
The departing club captain is this year's winner of the coveted NOTY award. Amidst cries of "You bastards, you only voted for him 'cause he's leaving" from 2nd placed Merv and "Where's MY fuc#ing bat?" via our teleconference linkup with Melbourne, a tearful Funky gratefully accepted the accolade.
Full AGM report to follow as soon as we can remember who is supposed to do it...

DAISY ATKINSON NEW CLUB CAPTAIN
"Captain Grumpy" looks forward to new era
The decision to hand the reigns to the young man from South Australia was met with affirmative head nodding from both old and new club members at this year's AGM. In an exclusive interview with nepotist.com Daisy said "it's time we went back to basics and remembered that at the end of the day it's just their 18 men against our 18 men. We need to control the ball early and try to get it inside their 50m zone as often as possible" Another interview from the next day (after he'd sobered up and realised it was the cricket club dinner) is on it's way.

NEPO REGULAR DAISY ATKINSON F#CKS ANKLE
"Diving in the outfield overrated" says skipper Funky
A visit to the doctor on Tuesday morning revealed that the spectacular belly flop at fine leg in pursuit of a Merv wide has had dire consequences - a broken ankle. In an exclusive interview with Nepotist.com Daisy said "For f#cks sake, this is f#cked. How the f#ck am I supposed to pick up with my smooth moves at School Disco now?" Match report Nepos v Hampstead, including another 100 from Jacko, is on it's way.